Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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