I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
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