me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Randomize
