before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
