The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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