What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
