Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
