I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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