Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
