So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
