this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
this hospital has no fireball
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
