recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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