I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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