I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
