Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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