I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
