The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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