I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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