i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
The best revenge is premature balding
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
