sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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