I haven't been this sober since birth.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
