Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You should frame my arrest warrant.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
