i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
