Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
