My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
