if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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