also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
