Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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