I CAN MOONWALK!
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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