how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Randomize
