I murdered the dance floor call the cops
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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