I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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