I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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