she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
