Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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