yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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