the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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