I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
