Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
