i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
