i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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