i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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