Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
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