vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
