This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
