Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
