I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
