This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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