He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Randomize
