I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I can't put those talents on a resume
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
