On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
